If you’ve been a fan of TGRIOnline.com as of late, you’ve noticed our preoccupation with having a particular dislike of the beta male, emotionally expressive movement in popular music. It’s not that we so much hate with passion the Kid Cudis and Pitchfork favored alternative indie bands of the world, we just would prefer to not see popular music taken over and inundated with their sound. As we’ve stated in “Alpha Male Music Week” and our “HARD 10!” countdown, we’re just attempting to represent a balance in music. With that being said, we’ll periodically feature some “harder edged” material to shake you out of your doldrums and give you a no crying wanted, swift kick in your musical ass. Do enjoy!
Love is cruel. Love is also HARD.
Vindication in the face of a cheating girlfriend is often one of the hardest roads to walk down in a relationship. On one hand, you’re glad the relationship is over, and that you have no need to deal with the front of fidelity, then, as the days, weeks, months and years roll by, one’s angst in the face of dealing with the situation goes through various levels and stages of escalation, from acceptance, to rage, the back to acceptance, and finally, out of your system. Normally, these levels of anger take months, sometimes even years to get through. In 1986, it took Oran “Juice” Jones a four minutes and twenty-three second ballad. It’s a power ballad alright, but it doesn’t pack area rock chords and bridges, no, it legit packs heat.
When you sit and consider the facts behind the release of “The Rain,” the nature of the song as a “HARD JAMS” contender become more than obvious. Jones’ label, OBR Records was the R & B subsidiary of then then iconic, rough, and on fire Def Jam Records. So, the fact that the song is steeped in Motown soul, then de-evolves from classy soul number into extremely vitriolic and mean spirited condemnation should come as no shock to anyone. It fits the slightly askew ideas couched in very familiar sounds concept posited and pushed heavily by Def Jam’s Hall of Fame level producer Rick Rubin in 1986 to the sounds of cash registers sounding like Vegas slot machines to the success of Run-DMC’s “Walk this Way” and Beastie Boys’ “Fight For Your Right (To Party).”
What makes this a HARD JAM transpires at the 2:23 point of the song. Jones’ spoken word “rap” to his jilted lover may be the coldest and meanest moment ever recorded, transcribed below for the mix of raw human emotion and hilarious comedy blended together. It’s only funny if you’ve never been on the end of it happening to you, but, if you’ve had it happen, you know this song, amazingly, is telling the truth.
(I saw you)
Hey hey baby how ya doin’ come on in here
(Walking in the rain)
Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you
Listen first things first let me hang up the coat
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Yeah how was your day today
Did you miss me
(Never be the same)
You did? Yeah? I missed you too
I missed you so much I followed you today
(I saw you)
That’s right now close your mouth
‘Cause you cold busted
(Walking in the rain)
Now just sit down here, sit down here
I’m so upset with you I don’t know what to do
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
(Never be the same)
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you
But I didn’t wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead I chilled — That’s right chilled
I called up the bank and took out every dime.
Than I canceled all your credit cards…
I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you!
Don’t go lookin’ in that closet ’cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room.
Hey hey baby how ya doin’ come on in here
(Walking in the rain)
Got some hot chocolate on the stove waiting for you
Listen first things first let me hang up the coat
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
Yeah how was your day today
Did you miss me
(Never be the same)
You did? Yeah? I missed you too
I missed you so much I followed you today
(I saw you)
That’s right now close your mouth
‘Cause you cold busted
(Walking in the rain)
Now just sit down here, sit down here
I’m so upset with you I don’t know what to do
(You were holding hands and I’ll)
You know my first impulse was to run up on you
And do a Rambo
(Never be the same)
I was about to jam you and flat blast both of you
But I didn’t wanna mess up this thirty-seven hundred dollar lynx coat
So instead I chilled — That’s right chilled
I called up the bank and took out every dime.
Than I canceled all your credit cards…
I stuck you up for every piece of jewelery I ever bought you!
Don’t go lookin’ in that closet ’cause everything you came here with is packed up and waiting for you in the guest room.
What were you thinking?
You don’t mess with the Juice!
I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds and Gucci handbags.
I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce!
But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days . . .
Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with.
You don’t mess with the Juice!
I gave you silk suits, blue diamonds and Gucci handbags.
I gave you things you couldn’t even pronounce!
But now I can’t give you nothing but advice.
Cause you’re still young, yeah, you’re young.
And you’re gonna find somebody like me one of these days . . .
Until then, you know what you gotta do?
You gotta get on outta here with that alley-cat-coat-wearing, punch-bucket-shoe-wearing crumbcake I saw you with.
Cause you dismissed!
That’s right, Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don’t you know that?
That’s right, Silly rabbit, tricks are made for kids, don’t you know that?
You without me is like corn flakes without the milk!
This is my world. You’re just a squirrel trying to get a nut!
Now get on outta here!
Scat!
Don’t touch that coat!
Don’t touch that coat!
That’s hard.
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