BOOK REVIEW: Jay-Z – Decoded

2010 has been a banner year for hip hop. Kanye West’s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy (while being the topic of great debate regarding it’s rating as a release), is undoubtedly the most hyped album in hip hop history, hype that has cut across universal lines and in its release signifies that hip hop has arrived as a vital art form in understanding the nature of the universe. Even more powerful than what Kanye has done, is the work of his mentor, his “big brother,” Shawn “Jay-Z” Carter. In signing a 360 deal with Live Nation, he is alongside a select handful of artists at the forefront regarding the nexus of media and culture, iconic individuals serving as touch points and aggregates for society. As a rap artist reaching that point, it is an important milestone for hip hop. Decoded, with a terrific ghostwriting assist from Dream Hampton, in 300 pages is ultimately the biography and reflection on the focused path to success for the emcee is a victory not just for Jay-Z the man, but again a definitive milestone on the journey of hip hop from bodega to block party to boardroom to bombastically blaring from stadium speakers. Jay-Z was born where hip hop was born, and in his career has experienced, touched or caused every major route of development for the genre. This book is not just Jay-Z, this book is hip hop, and dare I say the first truly important music tome of the 21st century.

It has been oft reported that Jay-Z had great trepidation about releasing such a book, and had turned down a plethora of similar offers to write it in the past. Upon finishing the book, his reasoning is perfectly understandable. From his days as a hustler to the day he met Oprah Winfrey, Shawn Carter has always been an intense and reflective perfectionist. It’s pretty much the reason he’s been a perpetual success story, the fact that he refuses to succumb to mediocrity or mere greatness. Many emcees have had terrific success in the literary genre as writers and subjects of volumes. However, their success was just that. Terrific. Jay-Z wants to stand alone at the top, to rise above greatness, to be a paragon for a culture that defines his life. We learn in the book about Jay’s life that he’s always been a solo act. Yes, he’s depended upon networks to advance his talents, but, ultimately, the engine has always been him. This compulsive desire would only allow for a book to be released at the point of his career that he has achieved. With a 360 deal with Live Nation, he is completely the master of his own domain. He owns and profits from his thoughts, his beliefs, his concepts and his power as a human being. He is beholden only to his own desire for greatness, a place that many aspire to reach, but few ever completely grasp. Now a fully realized man and a true victor against society, he can pause and truly reflect.

If a fan of hip hop music, buy this book. Jay’s legacy as a rapper will be his skill in lyricism and his learned, cold and calculated business acumen, and it is completely, as the book’s title states, decoded. Lyrically, there are allusions here to meter and syllabic emphasis that are the building blocks of rhyming passed down through the generations. Jay as a protector of the culture smartly never revealed these in public, but hip hop is at a different place now, and in order to be a steward of a genre that has become nearly bastardized by the millions of wanna be performers of the craft who carpetbag the genre for gain, but in doing so rape the legacy of the skills required to have permanence, he has to give up the goods. Also contained within the pages of this massive yarn is the saving grace for hip hop’s future. Creativity, marketing, brand management and notes on self-reliance and socially acceptable behavior are all presented.

This is the story of Jay-Z’s Horatio Alger style hard knock life and like Cee-Lo Green once named an album, his “perfect imperfections.” Jay-Z’s golden years as an emcee have been more about preserving the legacy of hip hop than anything. Just as Jaz, Big Daddy Kane, Damon Dash, Notorious B.I.G., 2Pac, Russell Simmons and Lyor Cohen groomed him, Jay-Z has significantly aided the career progressions of J. Cole, Drake, Wale, Jay Electronica, Rick Ross and so many more. In this book, he opens up himself to the entire rest of a cosmos likely either birthed into or transformed by hip hop culture. In his life, words, rhymes and success there are answers that can guide a world culture now largely defined by rap music.

Much like Jay-Z’s career, hip hop started out with a Reasonable Doubt regarding it’s success and influence. Now, it’s the Blueprint for the universe. To quote Dead Prez, this book, and now this life, is “bigger than hip hop.”

Marcus Dowling’s TOP 10 Kanye of All Time – 7 – "Diamonds from Sierra Leone" (Remix) – Kanye West feat. Jay-Z

Next Monday, the Louis Vuitton Don, Kanye West releases his sixth studio album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. Over the next seven days, I will count down my personal top ten Kanye West musical contributions. Be they songs, productions or unreleased material, they will all be considered for the countdown. I am of the opinion that Mr. West is a once in a generation auteur. He blends the best of Phil Spector, Muhammad Ali, Stevie Wonder and Carl Sandburg into a uniquely American, uniquely egotistical, prodigious and creative experience that in many ways has defined 21st century popular music. He is a cultural dividing point. Loved, hated and respected, often all in the same breath. Please sit back, read and enjoy this retrospective.

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Kanye West’s 2005 album Late Registration was arguably the first significant creative victory of the rapper/producer’s career. Teamed with noted industry legend Jon Brion, the album features tracks that sound like the backdrops for Hollywood epics. That being said, sampling Shirley Bassey’s top selling James Bond film theme for a track that highlights the plight of unjustly treated diamond miners in Sierra Leone gave “Diamonds from Sierra Leone” a quality that was equally ersatz glamour and hackneyed Phil Spector qualities. But, this was still the Kanye West as a newly minted superstar era, a man not too far removed from having to get his Polo wardrobe from off of layaway at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx, so it gets a pass. In fact, the opening, with Bassey’s brassy contralto with sparse orchestration gives the impression that a change has arrived in the hip hop atmosphere.

The original mix of the song is a brilliant production and a solid yet unspectacular rap performance. However, the remix is where this song reaches brilliance. From Kanye’s disseration on the horrors of diamond mining to kick things off: “Good Morning! This ain’t Vietnam. Still, people lose hands, legs, arms for real/Little was known of Sierra Leone, and how it connect to the diamonds we own,” we get Kanye preparing to discuss his thoughts on owning diamonds, then in one of hip hop’s truly great moments, Jay-Z hijacks the song and brilliance occurs.

Many in 2005 were questioning the nature of the business practices of Roc-a-Fella Records and rumors swirling about the nature of the strained relationship between Jay-Z and label head Damon Dash. Jay addresses all in one of the greatest lyrical tirades of all time, famously stating that, amongst other things, the less than successful commercial Memphis Bleek “could be a hit away his whole career” and still be financially cared for because of the label’s wealth, and that the petty hatred of those out to hate on Hova’s success didn’t bother him because he “was not a businessman, he’s a business, man.” Alongside these, he notes his ability to walk on water and that Roc-a-Fella Records will “rise like a phoenix,” making this overall one of hip hop’s most legendary moments. Jay-Z redefines what it means to be a mogul in the industry in just over 1:30 in an incredibly poignant hip hop statement.

When showing an attenuated focus on thought, craft and style as both a lyricist and producer, there are moments where Mr. West is simply untouchable. The Shirley Bassey sample? Excellent. The attention pad to the horrors of the diamond trade? Wonderful. Having another emcee literally step all over your flow to make a serious point? Probably not expected, but in the case of this song, works magically.

Enjoy!

S*** I’M DIGGING THIS WEEK: Deserved Hype. Rap Edition.

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If you’re not aware, there’s a rumble on the New York underground rap scene. No, I’m not talking about Christian Rich or Charles Hamilton, or any other hipster rapper. I’m talking about what the New York underground used to be about, established, hood certified emcees with rap crews turning their lieutenants into captains and changing, manipulating and pushing hip hop forward. If you’re not aware yet, say hello to the Dipset’s UN Brand’s brightest star, Vado. An underground rhymer down with the perpetually dope and under-appreciated Jae Millz, he was discovered by Cam’ron, and is the best marketed member of the new (and improved?) Dipset. If there was ever a gang/brand that saw power, fame, wealth and influence go to their head faster than the Diplomats, please stand up. In the first half of the 2000s, there was few hotter. From Cam to Jimmy to Juelz to Freeky Zeeky and so many more, the group was unstoppable. Cam’ron had “Down and Out,” Jimmy had “We Fly High,” Juelz had “The Whistle Song,” and there were a plethora of staple rap hits, which allowed the entire group to become solo stars. Infighting and a breakup, then re-aligning ensued, with the group preaching unity, but publicly showing otherwise. Vado’s risen through this with a wit, street sensibility, charisma and personable nature that shines through in a typical to the Dipset off kilter off beat flow. Take a listen to personal favorite with Cam’ron “Ric Flair” from Cam’s “Boss of All Bosses” DJ Drama mixtape and do visit Vado’s Myspace and Twitter for more information.

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130 hours later since the first time I heard it, Kanye West’s “Power” remix is still the dopest hip hop remix of the last ten years. Let’s face facts. Kanye West felt like he fell off the top of the mountain. 808s and Heartbreak was in no way indicative of the creative motivations of the Louis Vuitton Don. Like any true artist, he released his angst upon his medium, putting out an album that historically will rank alongside Marvin Gaye’s Here My Dear and Johnny Cash’s The Man Comes Around as three of the most emotionally wrenching albums in memory. Spiritually renewed, Kanye has decided to re-ascend the top of the mountain, and make it impossible for someone else to reach that perch.

As of late, Jay-Z has intentionally underwhelmed. Brooklyn’s own has been content to shine alongside the rising stars of hip hop, and Jay has rapped to the level of his collaborator. A smart and intelligent move, but when tasked with laying down bars for Kanye’s caustic ode to the next generation, Jay has to go back to the days of Reasonable Doubt, and dig an epic from the vault. He does that, shifting back to the man who saw the D’Evils of society, and made you feel his thoughts. Yeezy here is the man who becomes king. On an epic sonic backdrop meant for dynamic proclamations, he shows and proves. I could quote these two hip hop giants, but, well, I’d be here all day. This is one of those times where a torch is passed at the highest level. It’s as if Bruce Leroy stole “the glow” from Sho Nuff with a handshake and not an epic battle.

The last 2:40 of power, in which Swizz Beatz reinterprets Snap’s “The Power” is an ode to the dance floor. There are no synths, there is no electro, there isn’t even any club music. It’s a hip house breakdown meant for hip hop cats to be hip hop cats again in the club. This one isn’t meant for Bed and Armand van Helden, it’s meant for The Tunnel and Funkmaster Flex. Swizzy was said to “live and die for hip hop” by Kanye on Twitter, and when you really look back, he indeed has.Counting backwards, in the last five years, Swizz Beatz has always made a yearly hip hop statement track, not for the streets, not for the internet, but indeed for the beating heart of a significant portion of the culture, in the clubs:

2010 – Drake – “Fancy”
2009 – Jay-Z – “On to the Next One”
2008 – TI – “Swing Ya Rag”
2007 – Swizz Beatz – “It’s Me Bitches”
2006 – Busta Rhymes – “Touch It”

After that legendary run, the producer contributes to Kanye’s magnum opus of hip hop domination.

“Power,” in being as massive in the abstract as it is in reality, is now everything to everyone. Unbelievable.

Unforgettable, Vol. 14: DJ Danger Mouse – The Grey Album

Venturing out of the kaleidoscopic Amazon that was M.I.A.’s Arular we find ourselves at the concrete crossroads between Brooklyn’s Marcy Projects and London’s Abbey Road with DJ Danger Mouse’s brilliant return to basics, the masterful Jay-Z versus Beatles mash-up, The Grey Album. The Grey Album is a cataclysmic crux of two epic absolutes: The Beatles’ White Album and Jay-Z’s Black Album with the rhapsodic rodent at the helm. Burton blurs the lines and illuminates the bonds between good and d’evil to create a gritty grey area – platinum records sans the shine.

The Grey Album is a cultural reflection and blueprint. It is a hybrid of two artistic absolutes: Jay-Z’s Black Album as the pitch black to which he faded – the close to a career, the retirement, the sendoff, the assumed end; The Beatles’ White Album as their rebirth – the first album after the death of their manager Brian Epstein, and the first album on their own record label Apple – donning a pure white album cover with nothing but “The BEATLES” in black. The mash-up flips the roles and sees Hov’s requiem lyrics as a renaissance.

Lyrically, Jay-Z is at the forefront; however, The Beatles are far from fallen back. Danger Mouse finds a perfect harmonic balance between the two pieces. There is no true dominance here, it’s all about perspective: prominence versus constants. While Jay-Z is the sole voice telling the tales through a capella samples; The Beatles are the enveloping atmosphere giving sentiment to the semantics, melodically giving new meaning to Carter’s message. The Beatles act as a backing band, the stage upon which Jay-Z performs best; as a generational iconography, The Beatles’ presence on The Grey Album gives context to the cultural icon as the proverbial shoulders upon which he strides.

The Grey Album‘s fusion gives precedence to the undertones, and the tracklisting – even if only in title alone – adds immense depth to the original tracks. While the “Sexy, Sexy” mix finds our dear Prudence de-robing and changing clothes, we also find Danger Mouse’s ode to the inner-pimp in every don diva as “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” rides over “Julia.” Verse by verse the beat-backed shift in perspective is Julia’s ghetto story, Hov and his white girl breaking from the kitchen and the cult of domesticity to the kingpin’s throne “Your homey Hov’ in position, in the kitchen with soda… Now, fifty-two cars roll out, remove ceiling. In case fifty-two broads come out, now you chillin, with a boss bitch of course S.C. on the sleeve.” Danger Mouse flipped “O’s the opposite with Orphan Annie,” the beautiful b in the back of the ‘Bach. We had Fergie looking glamorous, and Danity Kane showstopping, but here we find an anti-ringtone anthem for the street mistresses.

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“Shawn Carter was born December 4th. Weighing in at 10 pounds 8 ounces. He was the last of my 4 children. The only one who didn’t give me any pain when i gave birth to him – and that’s how i knew that he was a special child.” Born on December 4th, here Burton solidifies the social imperialist’s place as a product of his environment with Carter flowing over – and as – a “Mother Nature’s Son” sample. Backed by The Beatles, Hov is as much a product of his artistic environment within this work – and as a cultural signifier -as he is a literal product of the Marcy Projects – both of which made him the musical monarch he is today. Let it be said though, that the head that wears the crown is almost as heavy as the oft-spoken “she.”

While Rick Rubin portrayed the grizzly death of Hova being gunned down on the same Brooklyn block that previously couldn’t knock his hustle; Burton sees the happiness of that warm gun as Carter’s epiphanic “Moment of Clarity.” Both Jay-Z and the Beatles albums themselves are undoubtedly masterpieces, near perfect recordings – epiphanies within their respective eras.

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Danger Mouse has on one turntable the pristine white illumination, and on the other: black magic – together they meet on the infamous grey battleground: “Interlude.” Under the deafening roars of conspiracy theorists screaming “Illuminati!” after every Jay-Z utterance, Burton adds fuel to the fire with an amazing hidden-in-plain-view superlatively subliminal communion between Hova’s “Lucifer 9” and The Beatles’ “Revolution 9.” Carter, like the second Beatles sample on “Interlude,” is so tired, as far as the Illuminati woes go though: it’s on to the next one. “Lucifer, dawn of de morning! I’m gonna, chase you out of Earth…,” like an exorcism releasing d’evils of his past and putting the former self to rest in light of a revolutionary rebirth.

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Always treating his first like his last – from the first song to the 99th problem and everywhere in between – the beginning is the end and when both ends meet – Grey Album or otherwise – it’s pure helter skelter. Danger Mouse added a darkness to The White Album that the original recording’s title would distance one’s perception from grasping, and in turn, softened the edge of The Black Album. The sound he created was one of the greatest sonic homages to hip-hop and modern sampling since DJ Shadow’s Endtroducing… The precision of Danger Mouse’s mixing creates a steady staccato, that sets a comfort within the quick cuts. The signature smooth Beatles riffs and harmonies are run through the gutter gamut – but come out transformed in a way that makes the listener feel the music in a way that bridges Brooklyn and London, transcending any transatlantic, tonal, or temporal barriers.

DJ Danger Mouse’s The Grey Album finds The Beatles, not faded to the back, but highlighting the side of Hov that went overlooked after he faded to Black. The White Album foundation gives context to Jay-Z’s lyrical story as much as it does to the culture over which he dictates. Of all the generations past, we are the lost ones; we are a grey era – who won’t walk away, but won’t look back – finding our way through the fog, and making our way in their midst. Those who don’t remember history are doomed to repeat it; while those who truly appreciate it, remix it to blueprint the future – unforgettable.

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HIP HOP REMIX Countdown: #9 – Mary J Blige

Mary J. Blige is the undeniable Queen of Hip-Hop Soul. Her voice is the ingrained remix to a male dominated genre: she is the soul to hip-hop. Before Badu, Jill Scott, Floetry, and the crop of neo-soul crooners came along to balance out the scales, MJB was all we needed. In a career spanning two decades, when Blige blesses a track it remixes the whole genre. As with any true artist, to follow MJB’s discography and collaborations is to see a portfolio of snapshots capturing the urban identity exactly as it was within any brownstone and on any block.

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Mary J. Blige is an artist whose artistry supersedes the remix. Yes, the remix of “You Remind Me” featuring Nice and Smooth is solid, but when she blesses a hip hop recording with her voice, the track approaches the stratosphere. In fact, the synergy of many of Mary’s collaborations with hip hop’s finest have, and continue to be a standard for what remixers attempt but in many cases fall short of creating, and in one special case, is the sound none will ever encapsulate.

Before Jay-Z thanked the Roc Boys and customers, he called on Mary J to translate his unknockable hustle; “I’m takin out this time, to give you a piece of my mind (cause you can’t knock the hustle). Who do you think you are? Baby one day you’ll be a star.” Just as Hov is the block – that hard concrete that sits right above the streets – Mary J is the rose that creeps up through the cracks, highlighting the beauty behind the beats. Mary J’s soul transcends beefing battlegrounds and geographical barriers, and has remixed sounds from Brooklyn to the Island to Atlanta; her hustle: unknockable.

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Blige’s bars dig deep – even in the midst of the assumed substanceless Capital of Crunk. Atlanta brought Gucci, Shawty Lo, Plies, Franchize, Youngbloodz, Lil’ Jon, yo patna n dem, and with them brought a variety of honeys and hofessionals. Mary remixed the female face of hip-hop with killer collaborations alongside two of Atlanta’s finest: Ludacris and T.I. For every one of Luda’s hoes gone low – regardless of area code – is a story behind how she got there; on Runaway Love, Blige and Bridges gave the voice behind the veneer of the “just any video vixen.”

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Mary’s collaborative magnum opus – the track that remixed true love’s tone:

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This is a remix, this is beyond explanation as to why – it brought the block back to basics, and brought the rawest grit of the New York City soul that pumps lifeblood through hip-hop. Mary is the voice of the down bottom don diva, ride or die royalty. Mary is the female soul of hip-hop, when Common came close: it was because he loves h.e.r. still.

Hip Hop Remix Week Prelude: Jay-Z & Linkin Park "Collision Course"

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Let’s be serious: to some degree, hip hop “mash-ups” have been around since Afrika Bambaataa figured out he could get bboys to dance to both the Rolling Stones and James Brown. It’s always been a genre based on picking up pieces of what came before it – as long as it’s got a funky beat. But creative sampling was always stressed as a value in hip hop production. Taking two songs and mashing them together to make a new one might be a neat DJ trick, but is it hip hop?

In 2004 we got a definitive “yes” in the form of the album “Collision Course” by Jay-Z and Linkin Park. Yeah, yeah, Danger Mouse’s “The Grey Album” came out that year too, but that’s unarguably nothing but DJ tricks. So, what made “Collision Course” actually important?

First off, this wasn’t a traditional “remix” album. These songs weren’t longer cuts for club play or shorter cuts for video play. They weren’t adding new verses from special guest rappers. These were wholly new. Realizing they couldn’t maintain the ideal of the project by just fucking with pre-recorded vocal/instrumental tracks, they recorded new versions to make the new songs work as a whole, an independent re-imagining of original material.

This re-imagining led to some of the best rock-rap crossover since Aerosmith and Run-DMC took the world by storm with “Walk This Way” – and, oddly enough, for much the same reasons. Jay-Z fans did not like Linkin Park (actually, I had no idea who they were before this). Linkin Park fans, I make so bold as to assume, did not like Jay-Z. But what we got was something more than acceptable to both crowds. This was no rock album and no rap album, to be sure, but it maintained important musical elements of all the reworked content. In the most kumbaya manner, it brought diametrically opposed music fans grudgingly together. Hell, even my Ma owns this album.

Maybe that isn’t what the traditional hip hop remix was intended for. But it remixed a lot of perception, and in this day of atrocious bedroom-DJ “mash-ups” that make my ears bleed, I like to remember that some good comes of that whole idea, too.

The 52nd Annual Grammy Awards Reviewed

 

We can’t dare sit around and think we are shocked. The 52nd edition of the Grammy Awards occurred last night, and as expected, the recording industry, in the face of declining record sales and a perceived lack of importance made a dramatic stand for the international mainstream, and in the process delivered an awards program that was perfunctory and devoid of intrigue or controversy, a call to norms instead of a call to arms. In many ways the awards show that has become the stamp of cultural importance has become MTV’s Video Music Awards, the 2009 event being landmark for a lack of adherence to any social or moral compass on one hand, and on the other having a fairytale ability to tell the stories of Taylor Swift and Kanye West. But the Grammies soldiered on, and in the 2010 edition, we learned a great deal about how an industry hunkers down and prepares to make a comeback.

 

image courtesy NY Daily News

The big trophy winners of the night were the Black Eyed Peas, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Jay-Z and Lady Gaga. These were all worthy champions, but in some cases, the most maligned of artists in the past year. In accepting their award for “Use Somebody” as the Record of the Year, the Kings stated they were “drunk, but a happy drunk,” as the cleaned up indie rock gods finally ascended to the throne of pop royalty so richly deserved. Lady Gaga by comparison to her MTV Awards histrionics was muted, instead of appearing to have lost all semblance of common and sartorial sense there, last night her fashions were wild, but definitely toned down. Her show opening performance with a slightly less than stellar “Poker Face” was more than made up for with the always excellent Elton John doing a duet of The Fame Monster’s torch ballad “Speechless,” and Sir Elton’s “Your Song.” The bizarrely staged spectacle did more than her two gramophone wins for cementing her growing instant legacy as an icon of gay camp blended with immense and universal entertainment value. Mr. and Mrs. Shawn Carter were front row center and Beyonce’s six wins is a Grammy record for a female artist, as her maturation into this generation’s Diana Ross is near complete, even shining through a curious choice of performing “If I Were a Boy” and a spirited yet misguided cover of Alanis Morrissette’s “You Oughta Know” while flanked by Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation 1814 era recalling footsoldiers. Her husband took home awards for “D.O.A.” and for “Run This Town,” more nods to his cross cultural importance blended with the excellence of the songs. If anything, from doting on Solange Knowles’ son who was front row center, or Beyonce thanking “her husband,” to Jay-Z appearing to be a proud husband, the Carters are destined to reach pop royalty status as the first family of pop excellence.

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As always, fantastic performances dotted the evening. Swathed in white linen then once again dazzling the crowd with Cirque du Soleil level mid-air histrionics, Pink’s “Glitter in the Air” was, as was her performance at MTV’s event that duplicated the feat, the most visually arresting moment of the proceedings. Jamie Foxx, T-Pain, Slash, old school rap legend Doug E. Fresh and a full orchestra gave the most energetic performance of the night, Foxx looking like a Civil War general exhorting the orchestra and crowd to feel every word of the R&B Song of the Year. Drake, Eminem and Lil Wayne with backing on the drums by Travis Barker and a live band gave an excellent but expected performance of “Forever,” easily one of the more pop friendly and successful collaborations of the past year.

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Darling of the universe Taylor Swift underwhelmed in the spotlight, as her performance suffered from the inclusion of Fleetwood Mac legend Stevie Nicks, who in one minute ofher guest spot singing “Rhiannon” excised from the minds of millions any belief that Swift was a polished and prime time performer worthy of eight nominations and four victories. Her Album of the Year win for Fearless after her performance feeling more like flash in the pan and guide to country success than promise of pop prominence. Country took a beating again in the performance department with Best New Artist winners the Zac Brown Band performing with pianist Leon Russell. As was the case all night long, experienced veteran performers shined with tremendous poise and charisma when next to their younger counterparts. The final “eh” performance of the night were the Black Eyed Peas who in theory gained the most from the night as their venture into underground dance yielded immense profit, but to borrow a line from Jay-Z, the Peas are the leading force of innovation in pop music right now and appear to be mentally already checked out of the success of The E.N.D. and “on to the next one,” the next style to co-opt, infiltrate and make lucrative.

Props need to be extended as well to the likes of Maxwell, who merely walked onstage and proved his talent in a situation where he needed to be successful. His award winning BLACKsummer’s Night album stands to be a big gainer on the Billboard chart due to his composure and elegance in front of an audience that may have never seen him prior or had completely forgotten how understated yet elegant the superstar R & B vocalist is. The 3D performance of Michael Jackson’s “Earth Song” was tastefully done and moving, if surprisingly unspectacular. Usher, Smokey Robinson, Carrie Underwood, Jennifer Hudson and Celine Dion were flawless, but in bookending it with Michael’s oft paraded for pathos children offering paeans for their dead father, it more signaled a need to finally let the Jackson family have peace and closure than anything particularly awe-inspiring.

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The Grammy Awards were more substance than spectacle in a post Kanye West world. He wasn’t there, and neither were any fireworks or histrionic behavior. Sadly, these are now perceived as necessity on music award programs instead of happy accidents. In a recession in a depressed and tired society, the sizzle matters more than the steak. The talents that won were certainly deserving, but on a show where the most shocking thing was host Stephen Colbert’s terrible and forced opening monologue, we were all expecting more. Somehow in expecting more from the hype than from the artists shows just how much we as a society have devalued music on a financial and personal level. The Grammys were a tale of excellence and decadence, a plethora of one, a lack of another, thus providing so many answers about the nature and state of the music industry.

Grammy 2010: Let’s Get It – Predictions, Punchlines, and Pop Waxed Poetically

So, it’s that amazing time of year again… GRAMMY SEASON – let’s get it! I get excited during oddly specific times of year: my birthday, the first legit Spring day of the year, the first legit Fall day of the year, VMA night, any time when I get money and/or presents, the proper release of a music video/album that hasn’t leaked, and Grammy night. Yes, you’re thinking: “Well, that’s whack,” “Who watches that other than old people,” “Sunday is laundry night,” “Who is Grammy?” No, I don’t care.

This year is grrrrrreater than Tony the Tiger – yes, I say that about every year by and large because when it comes to this and the VMAs I can’t avoid the inner-Millenial child that gets brink-of-seizure status excited about any annual encapsulation of all things Pop… regardless of how terrible said year in Pop actually was. This year though, we’ve got: Lady GaGa opening. Assuming the Staples Center doesn’t spontaneously combust after said opening, they’ve also got: 3D Michael Jackson tribute (I knew saving 3D glasses from random childhood scenarios would come in handy… take that A&E’s Hoarders); Wheelchair Jimmy, Wayne, Eminem, and Travis Barker (yeah, Kanye’s absence downgrades that from win to “we’ll see”); “Andy Warhol” is large enough in the Grammy site tag cloud to make me pull out the silver hairspray; 11 of my 14 Dime A Dozen honorees are nominees; and… some other stuff.

Anyway, long story short here’s the rundown of my should win, will win, sayin’, and possibly a “doesn’t need the win anyway.”

Album of the Year
Beyoncé – I Am… Sasha Fierce
Black Eyed Peas – The E.N.D.
Lady GaGa – The Fame
Dave Matthews Band – Big Whiskey and the Groogrux King
Taylor Swift – Fearless

Should Win: Ummm so apparently there was some enigma that nuked the world with glitter this year? Seeing as Fearless loses by default given the audaciously false-not-in-an-ironic-way-either album title, that leaves Beyonce and B.E.P. realistically. Take the dance/electronic facade of The E.N.D., the technical strength and unparalleled mainstream impact of Sasha Fierce, throw in some Bowie lightning bolts, a dash of the American male population Googling “Is Lady GaGa a hermaphrodite?” just to make sure they’re still batting for the right side, and you’ve got what embodied the year – musically or otherwise – in album form: you’ve got The Fame.

Will Win: Sasha Fierce came out a lot of years ago, so that’d be a dated triumph; however, the album is a no-brainer classic Grammy winner. Beyonce is a staple; whereas you and I hang ornaments on our Christmas trees, Beyonce is a recession-friendly recycler and hangs awards like the aforementioned. The Grammys like B.E.P. … a lot. GaGa is a phenom, but that’s a double-edged sword: longevity means she could be here for awhile so what’s the rush, but she’s also not so much Grammy friendly as VMA friendly: the assumed brightly burning but quickly dimming star. Then again, there’s always shady-shifty-swifty… and you unfortunately can never underestimate the length or frequency of a pity party.

Sayin: The fleur-de-lis rose like a phoenix this year… so in line with the overall second coming of The South, DMB deserves some recognition.

Doesn’t Need the Win: …because she’s Sasha Fierce

Record of the Year
Beyoncé – “Halo”
Black Eyed Peas – “I Gotta Feeling”
Kings of Leon – “Use Somebody”
Lady GaGa – “Poker Face”
Taylor Swift – “You Belong With Me”

Should Win: The year’s motto is “We’re All Fans” in a year when everybody and their mom covered “Poker Face.” My bias… has no poker face.

Will Win: “Halo” has a good shot at the win: it’s Bey, it’s a universally solid song, and it’s Bey … at the Grammys. Shifty swifty.

Sayin: “Use Somebody” is a nice song. It doesn’t speak to the joie de vivre of the year, but remember when Steely Dan won all those Grammys? The Grammys know they can’t get too across the board crazy – there’s a slight chance for this one. “I gotta feeling” tonight needs to be the last night I hear that song.

Doesn’t Need the Win: Check this hand – because it’s marvelous. No lie, just stunnin.

Song of the Year
Beyoncé – “Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It)”
Lady GaGa – “Poker Face”
Maxwell – “Pretty Wings”
Kings of Leon – “Use Somebody”
Taylor Swift – “You Belong With Me”

Should Win: “Single Ladies” was a ridiculously well-produced song. The sheer layers and pin-pointedly precise cresendos, decrescendos, and intertwined rhythms set the foundation for – wait imma let you finish – one of the greatest songs of… 2008. I… still like “Poker Face.” As a song, the tongue-in-cheek lyrical wordplay is a bit silly, but given the amount of times people asked what the song was about, it’s not to be overlooked.

Will Win: I’m pretty sure “Single Ladies” is a shoe-in… put a ring on it already. Wait, this is Song of the Year, right? I just want to make sure it’s not Female Song of the Year because we all know “You Belong with Me” is the better feminine track…

Sayin: “Pretty Wings” is such a smooth song… I still like Maxwell.

Best New Artist
Zac Brown Band
Keri Hilson
MGMT
Silversun Pickups
The Ting Tings

Should Win: MGMT because Oracular Spectacular was just the tip of the iceberg and it alone is kind of like a bigger deal than a Kanye and Clipse track – that and I like them the best from the list. The Ting Tings are such a close second though… but “Best New Artist” that’s not their name… or is it?

Will Win: Keri Hilson has the mainstream appeal, but I’m not sure if the Grammys will go for her. She does have a depth and breadth of experience within the industry though so – it could happen like McWorld. We haven’t seen Urban Contemporary of Hilson’s ilk in awhile either.

Sayin: Past winners have been Adele, Amy Winehouse, Carrie Underwood, John Legend, and Maroon 5, given that portfolio Silversun could win with their sound – not so much mainstream name recognition though.

Best Rap Solo Performance
Drake – “Best I Ever Had”
Eminem – “Beautiful”
Jay-Z – “D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune)”
Kid Cudi – “Day ‘N’ Nite”
Mos Def – “Casa Bey”

Should Win: “Casa Bey” is infectiously beautiful in a funk way. “Beautiful” is a throwback to Em’s Marshall Mathers days with maturity in the place of anger. That, and Detroit has glimpses of a New Orleans without the flood – it needed this anthem.

Will Win: Taylor Swift – again. Hov completely took over the game with “D.O.A.” He singlehandedly lifted rap/hip-hop out of its auto-tunnel and placed it back on the block – on to the next one: it’s 2010 and “D.O.A.” was last year’s requiem. The track is sonically solid social commentary. Style: check. Substance: check. Statuette: check.

Sayin: I … still rock with Cudi.

Best Alternative Album
David Byrne & Brian Eno – Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
Death Cab for Cutie – The Open Door
Depeche Mode – Sounds of the Universe
Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!

Should Win: Phoenix?

Will Win: Depeche Mode?

Sayin: Karen O is quirky, I like the Yeah Yeah Yeahs?

Sidenote: I have an opinion on this, but I decided to make this the reader’s choice category – have at the comment box.

Best Pop Vocal Album
Black Eyed Peas – The E.N.D.
Colbie Caillat – Breakthrough
Kelly Clarkson – All I Ever Wanted
The Fray – The Fray
Pink – Funhouse

Should Win: Funhouse was a very solid album. Pink has a knack for putting together complete releases and I appreciate that. She is process oriented and doesn’t just drop something for the sake of staying relevant. It says a lot that “So What” came from the same album as “Sober” and, of course, “Funhouse.” Then to see the videos that expound on the music adds that much more depth to the project as a whole. Pink is what she is, but she puts together well decent Pop albums.

Will Win: The Grammys like B.E.P. … a lot. My should win could win though.

Sayin: This category was quite disappointing.

Best Dance Recording
Black Eyed Peas – “Boom Boom Pow”
David Guetta & Kelly Rowland – “When Love Takes Over”
Lady GaGa – “Poker Face”
Madonna – “Celebration”
Britney Spears – “Womanizer”

Should Win: Everyone – minus B.E.P. and David Guetta. I like Guetta it’s just… come on it’s Britney, Madge, and GaGa. It’s like the Grammys just woke you up and went “Gotcha America, it ain’t Pop; it’s Dance/Electronic and you love it – watch out, disco’s coming up next!” Seriously, I’m opting for the write in Girl Talk mash-up “Poke Her Womanizing Celebration Face.” It should win: totes mcgoats.

Will Win: “Celebration” is an electro-head’s fluid fantasy – but it was too euro for American mainstream. “Womanizer” is putting me in the same place as Sasha Fierce: it’s an undeniable frontrunner… just as it was when it came out… in 2008. That leaves… oh, would you look at that – seriously could you look at who’s left from the list because I can’t read my, can’t read mine.

Sayin: This category stomps on Pop Vocal like Wayne Rooney on a grounded Portuguese footballer.

So, that’s the long and short of my not-so-much-a-prediction-as-a-chance-to-wax-Pop-poetic-and-publish-punchlines-before-the-red-carpet-opens. Sidenote: I want “Make Her Say” to take something home tonight – whether it be a Grammy, or simply a ceremony program I don’t care – so long as it doesn’t go home empty handed. Honestly, I am quite excited about this year’s Grammys… at the end of the day just as the royal “we” are – I am all fan.

A Dime, A Dozen: Madonna and Jay-Z – Pop Pillars

Round 6 of “A Dime, A Dozen” brings us to a pair that needs no introduction (that was easy): Madonna and Jay-Z

As far as modern culture is concerned, there was no “before Madonna” or “before Jay-Z,” these two go back with American Pop like babies and pacifiers – we were the babies, they appeased our early adolescent pop culture confusion, and fed our pop hearts (watch this space). This list wouldn’t exist without either of these Pop pillars. Essentially, not enough can be said about the overall impact of Madge or Hov on modern music and culture. However, said impact is by-and-large concentrated in their heydays of the 80s (Madonna) and 90s (Jay-Z). Yet, in the midst of bubblegum prostitots and auto-tuned out wankstas, Madonna and Jay-Z remained relevant. They were not so much out of touch with the young mainstream, as they were elevated monarchs presiding over their pool of possible heirs.

Madonna and Jay-Z are not only Pop’s pillars; they are the architects, Godparents, and yin and yang. They don’t collaborate with one another, they act independently to build each of their niches – which combines to create a panoramic baseline for Pop. The 2009 VMAs indicated just that:

“The VMAs open with Madonna — $120m “360″ deal for 10 years, about to come out with her epic greater-than-greatest hits CD/DVD collection: Celebration, reminding the world of her icon status, not that she trying to steal the spotlight from the Taylor Swifts, but that she built the stage they’re on right now — and the VMAs close with Jay-Z — $150m “360″ deal for 10 years, off the heels of his 9/11 concert and Blueprint 3 release, reminding the world of his icon status, that he’s not battling the Gucci Manes, but that he christened the battlefield, he’s reminding the pop princes, princesses, and paupers how to look at the big picture and get into the empire state of mind. So, the middle is all filler but the bookends are steady — thanks, Live Nation, you corporate behemoth you.”

As architects Madonna and Jay-Z (literally) laid the blueprint throughout the decade.

Madonna: I don’t know if you’ve heard, but music: it makes the people come together; you see, it makes the bourgeoisie and the rebel – and the beautiful strangers. Don’t believe me? Fine, just don’t tell me stop; tell the rain not to drop. Just try not to have the rain drop on my American life; I’m living the American dream here (seriously, who wouldn’t want to wax poetic about Pop culture all day). Madonna doesn’t spring to mind when one thinks of the 2000s, but rather than ask why, the question is why not? If you can’t name three Madonna songs from this decade, it isn’t because you don’t know her work, it’s because you didn’t pin them to her. Madonna is a Pop entity, but Madonna’s work is Pop culture.

Madonna began 2000 with her brilliant follow-up to the iconic Ray of Light, Music – done. Oh yeah, and I don’t know if you’ve heard of Borat, Bruno, or Ali G, but you can thank Madonna for bringing him stateside first.

Madonna writes singles, in her sleep, with two African babies, a half-Brit boy, and a half-Puerto Rican daughter that is already flier than pilots. The single “Music” embodied Pop – like an extension of Madonna herself. It was infectious, catchy, concise, and universal. 2003’s American Life was her socially conscious record (and for the record: forget what you heard, the album is not terrible, it still stands above the bulk of Pop that came out in 2003). Had it not been Madonna who released American Life, had it been a “socially-conscious” artist, the reviews and general reception would have been worlds different. Yet, it was Madonna. So, she took a “flop” album and followed it up with the larger-than-life-so-good-you-thought-I-was-retiring-but-I’m-just-getting-started-…-again Reinvention Tour. Yes it sold out, yes you wish you went. 2005 took you to the dancefloor, and Catholic or not you confessed, and left your head and heart there (watch this space). “Hung Up” – in the ever illustrious words of Madonna – was “just a badass song.” Oh, what’s that? Disco is dead? Madonna is too old to be relevant? Tell that to the 5 VMA nominations and Guinness Book of World Records – but not Madonna: it’s hard to hear you when she’s sitting way up there. 3 years later, she decided to save the world in 4 minutes. Hard Candy was Madonna filling out a to-do list before the decade ended. J. Timbs: check, Timbo: check, Pharrell: check, Kanye: check, solidified place in – yet another – tween market: check. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock… Don’t tell her to stop. She rounded out the 2000s with her third greatest hits album – first full compilation of her 26 year catalogue – Celebration, because, well, it’s a Celebration bitches – thus Weezy’s presence: AARP Early Bird specials for everyone!

Madonna knows the game – completely. She signed a 360 deal with LiveNation as only the second artist on their label – for a cool $120 million. In an age where people can barely keep up with the newest smartphone software (not Madonna, and her two Blackberries, iPhone, and pay-as-you-go-because-I-have-a-side-hustle-too), and every music executive is trying to figure out how to make money in the midst of file-sharing, Madonna has one tip for staying on top: make ridiculous live shows, because you can’t download the experience of a good live show. Money talks, haters walk: Reinvention Tour, Confessions Tour, Sticky and Sweet Tour – sold out, sold out, sold out. Like Ye, Pharrell, Lupe, and Thom said: “The more you try to erase me, the more I appear; and they love it, and they love it, and they love it…”

Every great Pop figure has to transcend just their day job. Last decade, Madonna got unconscious; this decade, Madonna got socially conscious. She went to the second poorest country in the world, and put them on the map: she raised Malawi. She single-handedly got the government to create adoption laws – just because she felt like adopting one of their native children. Oh yeah, and she produces documentaries: good ones.

She is the undeniable godmother to Pop. Any female pop star hoping to do anything, models themselves after The Queen – but it is only those who have that something that get the seal of approval. Christina, Britney, and Missy got it in 2003. Another certain someone got it this year (watch this space). Even the boys want to come to her yard: Pharrell got it, Timbo got it, J. Timbs got it, Lil’ Wayne got it, 50 got it on TRL. Love it or hate it, all of those she graced got money.

The brilliance of Madonna is in her hustle. She’s hustled from 1983 to and through 2009. Madonna might be the least-liked Greatest of All-Time of her kind. My brothers see her as a non-entity, most teens don’t know she makes music, no “cool kids” really acknowledge her publicly, and yet every single one of them knows who she is. That is Pop. When people don’t know why or how you got to be part of the vernacular and general consciousness, and when they do find out they scoff, but even still accept, respect, and perpetuate your necessary presence and relevance. She’s like Michael was: everyone within the industry knows what’s good – namely, her – and the mainstream follows suit, even, and especially, if they don’t.

For the kids out there who need a quick refresher course in who Madonna was/what she did this decade: Music, American Life, Confessions on a Dancefloor, Celebration; “Music,” “Don’t Tell Me,” “Die Another Day,” “American Life,” “Hung Up,” “Sorry,” “4 Minutes;” Reinvention Tour, Confessions Tour, Sticky and Sweet Tour. For the grown folks who are to hard/real to get down with that-old-lady-all-the-gay-guys-like: she was going to mother 2Pac’s child – don’t worry, the rest of the review will be here when you get back from letting the magnitude of said child marinate.

Madonna has hit an uncanny level of connected detachment with Pop culture. For this woman to be as well-known as she is, she is never shook. The only rumors we hear, are those she allows the media to publish. That is unheard of in this day and age. She is so above that of which she is such an integral part. Go to one of her shows and it is uncomfortably present. She has this unnatural ability to create atmospheres that strike the most innate chords – unleashing the most basic visceral elements of human nature. Most performers achieve this by living their art, and exuding their own emotions to build a connection with the audience. Other performers achieve this by “doing the Disney” – shelling out bright lights and loud fluff to a demographic of pre-adolescent tweens who go into super-cutie-seizure mode at even the faintest sight of the Mouseketeer du jour. Madonna does this by mentally constructing the perfect concoction of peak-produced audio, impeccably aligned visuals, pinpointedly precise choreography, and the finest engineered effects for any given venue – all masterfully intertwined and synchronized to create one of the best live experience our generation has ever witnessed. The key though, is her detachment. She does not feel what her fans feel, she doesn’t want to feel that. If she were empathetically linked, she would lose what makes her reign supreme. She is legend because she has been in the business from the bottom up, and knows innately what makes people tick tock, tick tock, tick tock: breakdown. Whereas another not-once-in-a-lifetime-but-once-in-life figure (watch this space) lives in a kingdom created by the fans – the kings and queens writing the perceived history of her, their devoted jester – Madonna is the Queen of her kingdom, and her kingdom is Pop. Namely: this

http://www.youtube.com/v/Ox-pGr-u6FE&hl=en_US&fs=1&

Jay-Z: Hoooovaaaa. Pretense: He’s not a businessman, he’s a business – man. Jay-Z is not just the Godfather. He’s the boss to which you answer, and from which you gauge yourself. He’s also Pop’s grandpop; he’s the one that makes you take your shoes off at the door, makes Cam take the pink mink off, makes Lil’ Mama’s label take her off, makes T-Pain take the shades off, makes Kelis take Nas off the yard, makes Soulja Boy take off the canary yellow, makes the world turn auto-tune off; he’s the one who makes you feel foolish for having it on in the first place, and the one you turn to for glory day reminiscences, and war stories.

You know what got big this decade: Brooklyn. You know who is so Brooklyn? Hov. Like T.I. did with the trap, Hov turned the world into his Marcy Playground. He’s a don, and not just a made man – but a self-made man. In 2000, he introduced us to The Dynasty: Roc la Familia – diamonds up. In 2001, (yes, on 9/11) he laid the official groundwork with The Blueprint, the instant classic, that remains in stereos from the Pacific to the Indian Ocean – and everywhere in between – to this day. Then, he unplugged it. The genius of Hov is his timing; he can flip albums like one Roc, two Roc, Black Roc, Blue Roc – namely coming out with the epic Blueprint 2: The Gift and The Curse one year after The Blueprint. Right at the – then thought – peak of his popularity and demand he dropped his retirement release in 2003: The Black Album. He said he was retiring, but now it seems he only threw out that idea to see if you would justify his thug – and, you did. So, with that settled, Hov came back in 2006 with Kingdom Come. Although, he did manage to drop one of the nicest verses to fall under cameo status on Memphis Bleek’s “Dear, Summer” in the interim; and collided with Linkin Park, while he was at it. After kingdom came and went, Hov graced us with 2007’s much needed return to theme albums: American Gangster – it’s Lukie baby.

Now, we are in 2009 and Hov laid the blueprint yet again. This time charmed without charming. Jay-Z released The Blueprint 3 out of a necessity we didn’t know existed, sitting in limbo deaf in the midst of auto-tuned distortions and blinded by iced-out distractions. Timing is everything with Mr. Carter. When he was hustling on the corner he shelled out albums every year, he was a hot rapper and that was the best business model for him. By the time we got The Gift and The Curse, Jay-Z hit J-Hova status and he knew he had to retire. For everyone to say, he didn’t retire; he actually did. He retired the runner status, and emerged a kingpin. He moved from checkers to chess in his downtime. He made business mergers, and acquired corporate partners. Britney died, because she’s human and she’s a personification – that’s what humans do. Hov retired because he is a business man, he is an entity. He doesn’t die, he retires. Madonna and Jay-Z share that connected detachment. Hov is all black everything, nothing shakes or shivers him – he grew up on the Brooklyn corners in the dead of Winter, the industry is the last thing that would give him a chill. Hov lives coolly detached.

People hated on BP3 because it wasn’t The Blueprint, because it wasn’t Reasonable Doubt, because of everything it wasn’t – Hov the prophet made BP3 it’s own answer to the questions it would spark – and thus is why everyone else loved it:

http://www.youtube.com/v/WM1RChZk1EU&hl=en_US&fs=1&

“Hov on that new sh*t, N*ggas like how come; N*ggas want my old sh*t, Buy my old album/N*ggas stuck on stupid, I gotta keep it movin; N*ggas make the same sh*t, Me, I make the Blueprint”

Why is Hov all over Letterman, the VMAs, AMAs, FuseTV, Rhapsody, and everywhere in between now? Because that’s what grown men do – grown men with $160m LiveNation deals. Hov has transcended the corner, he’s a corporation. He still has a hustler’s mentality, and that’s why he’s not hustlin on the block anymore. Dress for the job you want, not the job you have: Hov has the job he wants and the tailor-made threads suit him like the Brooklyn’s finest he is. More importantly though, address said job – he can’t design the blueprint if he’s always at ground zero with the construction workers.

Madonna and Hov are Pop’s yin and yang: where she shells out sugar (sticky and sweet) and appeals to the Pop fiends; Hov cooks it up on the stove, and hustles it out to the block fiends – we laud it, and they love it. They are two completely opposite sides of the same coin. She’s the Madonna to his Lucifer, the music inferno to his ice cold. I doubt I’ll see a studio collaboration between the two at anytime, outside of the Justify My Thug sample, and the possible exchange of pleasantries at the LiveNation holiday party. However, when Kings and Queens sit amongst their thrones, they rarely face each other – often, they face forward; check, and mate.

Madonna and Jay-Z are the steady constants that set the foundation for the landscape they dictate.

SwaggerJacks and Cowboy Hats, Hits, Misses, and Hot Messes: AMAs 2009

AMA night: the poor man’s Grammy night. It is fitting that Taylor Swift George Bushed the show, seeing as the recurring thought through my head between 8-11pm last night and 2000-2008 was “alright, let’s just get this over with.”

The theme of last night’s show was apparently “SwaggerJack” (from the VMAs to the CMAs, from BEP to Gloriana, and everywhere in between) – that or “country fried wtf” (read: Reba “Who Let the Gingers In” McEntire). Either way, every so often – in the midst of the cacophony of clownery that was the American Music Awards – there were a few moments that mattered; so let’s scan the sea of SwaggerJacks and momentarily memorable moments that mattered for a minute.

Janet Jackson: Technically great performance – nice set list, decent choreography, diversified look back at a noteworthy career. What was lacking was the “everything else” factor. Janet’s opening was an on-point introduction to the awards show that would pale tragically in comparison to the VMAs, relive the god-awful question mark that was the CMAs, and be a style-and-substanceless shell of Americana. Janet had a fire during the VMAs – a spark, a catalyst – that was undeniable; and that spark fueled the pop spectacle that followed. The AMAs was structured to be a great show, like Janet’s technically great opener, but where the VMAs were controlled chaos, the AMAs were just controlled.

SwaggerJack #1: Reba McEntire – Reba McEntire got more airtime (90% of which was her sitting, staring, staring, sitting) during the AMAs than she got during the entirety of her sitcom: too much. Apparently I didn’t get the memo saying that Reba replaced Hov as the new president of Island Def Jam, but the AMAs must have seeing as they cut to her during every Rap/Hip-Hop/R&B/completely-unrelated-genre performance – multiple times. If ABC is any indicator of who to look for when in need of approval/guidance, I’ll be consulting Reba on how I should feel about healthcare reform.

Paula Abdul: preemptively silenced – first noted 5 second delay, 5 seconds before she thinks about talking

Rascal Flatts: No idea who these people were, but I did get in a running stance after seeing the cowboy hats, cowboy boots, flannel shirts and hearing the southern drawl – reflex.

SwaggerJack #2: Random guys dressed in Kanye VMA attire (all black everything, jackboots, motorcycle jackets, layers times twelve because even though it’s L.A. it’s also November so bundle up) (read: Pete Wentz).

SwaggerJack #3: Black Eyed Peas – BEP’s introduction (Greatest Hip-Hop Group of All Time – wait imma let you finish) was more hyperbolic than “Mission Accomplished,” and their performance was more audacious than Sarah Palin on Oprah. They played a bit of their stuff, but wanted people to stay tuned and tvs off mute, so they threw in Tiesto and Nirvana samples – hm. Will.I.Am looked like Chuck Berry stuck in the 80s idea of the future (read: Devo).

SwaggerJack #4: The greatest of all time, T Swift herself. T Swift George Bushed the night (having a core fanbase that votes in a manner superceding logic, to the dismay of the non-voting-because-we-assume-common-sense-to-be-more-common-than-it-is viewing-because-we-want-to-see-what-Middle-America-is base). In the whirlwind of confusion/surprise/acting lessons, Swift forgot to thank the man who made this all possible: Kanye “I Made You More Famous Than Chuck Taylor” West. Needless to say, Swift’s siege began by getting more votes than Beyonce and Lady GaGa in the Best Female Pop/Rock Artist (and so dubbed the trophy the “I Didn’t Want Your Stupid Award Anyway” statuette). I didn’t get a chance to see Swift’s acceptance speech, I was busy watching Video Phone: like 5 million other people. No worries, I knew it wouldn’t be Swift’s last of the night.

Empire State of Mind: Great song, when the album dropped in September; still a great anthem in L.A. 2 months and 20 million times later (I can do hyperbole too). Cut of the performance: shot of Whitney vibin’.

SwaggerJack #5: Perez Hilton – Take Jay-Z’s tuxedo blazer, GaGa’s hair dye, a bump-it commercial, a touch of BEP’s manager’s fist, and you’ve got this bundle of not-quite-sure-what-but-positive-it’s-not-fun. The AMAs felt it necessary to get a glimpse of how Perez feels about Empire State of Mind – and again, and then twelve times more. Perez must feed off of the camera because every subsequent shot had him wilin out a bit more: we all love the song, but even Lil’ Mama had to tell Perez to tone it down.

Green Day: it’s probably possible for a band to look like they care less about anything – like winning, again – but, I felt pain just watching the show, must’ve been brutal to be there.

Rihanna: At the fault of AMA stage production, the performance suffered off the bat because the props (circulating X-shaped human rack included) seemed like shrunken miniature versions of what they were supposed to be – no me gusta. Breezy did a number on her, but it is what it is. I could see where she was going with the performance but for the AMAs to tout it as this massive comeback was a bit… hyperbolic. Oh yeah, she shot lasers from her shoulders.

Carrie Underwood: sang something.

Lady GaGa: you already know. First off: yes, no other attendee introduced GaGa because no matter how oblivious ABC/The AMAs are, even they know you can’t have peers introduce someone who’s peerless. Yes, she went hard like Brooklyn (the only cutaway of the performance was after she concluded, when they shot to Jay-Z standing, applauding, and giving the nod of approval – Reba, still no word). Yes, she brought out the monsters – and the beast within. Yes, she displayed her uncanny knack for making “The Twist” werq – in an Eastern European industrial electronic goth sort of way. Yes, she busted a glass cube with a microphone pole to play the flaming piano within along with gas-mask donning violinists in separate glass cubes while rhythmically bashing vodka bottles against the keys. Yes, she was GaGa; yes, it was grand. Even still though, there was an odd sterility to the performance – it didn’t resonate like “Paparazzi” at the VMAS, not at the fault of GaGa but rather the control of the show; even with a full stage, GaGa’s performance felt a bit constrained, and an empty-clean like the vodka bottles decking out the piano. Granted she didn’t win, she didn’t want to be your friend; she just wants your love and bad romance, with that performance: mission accomplished. Swagger: Unjackable; et tu Swift?

Cudi, Jeremih, Jimmy: took the show about as seriously as I did – noted.

Mary J. Blige: took ’em to church – per usual. Perez Hilton’s swaggerjackin’ ways were back full force for this performance (ghetto pass applications must be due soon, preemptive protection against future punches to the face)

Gloriana: T Swift’s sheisty swaggerjack. Apparently the country group is her opening act, which I guess puts them on the same plane as Cudi and GaGa – nah. Regardless of rationale, Gloriana took home the Breakthrough Award brought to you by T-Mobile (the other nominees are on AT&T). Btw, if you have to introduce yourself with an elevator speech during your acceptance speech (and even still, people have no idea who you are): you haven’t broken through.

Jennifer Lopez – Going with the boxing motif, finally seeing the fruits of Chris Brown’s community service, wasn’t aware he was involved with stage production . Mispronouncing Louboutin, rather pronouncing it how they do on “the block.” I appreciate the underlying themes here about consumerism during a recession: when we choose to build our careers and lives on labels, we’re bound to fall on such a weak foundation – poignant…

Whitney: Glad she’s back. Solid performance. I miss her old pipes, but there’s still only one Whitney. She got the “International Award of Excellence” … from the AMAs (your local government would like to present you with their global award of excellence) – hm.

Alicia Keys: She went solo to perform her new single “Try Sleeping with a Broken Heart.” Heavy on the choreography for a Keys show, but it worked. Enjoyed her golden-chain-linked cardigan, she must’ve caught that sale at Old Navy too. Word was that Lil’ Mama was planning an impromptu duet – again – but luckily, Keys’ male dancers double as bodyguards – or mercenaries.

Eminem: still has that cold Detroit flow. I do wish they enlisted Travis to work his magic on the Forever beat: (another) AMA fail.

SwaggerJack #6: Timbaland – he swaggerjacks himself, he samples himself… badly. This particular night though, he took what non-existent swagger Twilight had, his thighs felt it necessary to swaggerjack thunder, while the back of his neck preferred to swaggerjack a pack of hot dogs. The cameraman made it a point to get a shot of Keri Hilson: reassured at her decision to pass on said performance.

Hov: won “Best Rap Artist:” noted.

SwaggerJack #4 back for more: T Swift got more votes for Artist of the Year than Michael Jackson – not saying won, not saying she beat anyone, just saying she had her fans click on her name with more frequency than they did MJ. I did manage to catch this acceptance speech, and she sounded about as guilty as a graverobber – oh, wait.

Adam Lambert: I like this one. He makes me smile – a Cheshire smile, but still. Lambert’s performance was very “I couldn’t get this together in time for the VMAs, so take it or leave it ABC.” It was gratuitous, it was entertaining, it was dark, it was hypersexual – but it wasn’t that great. The song was meh, the technical strength was lacking, and yes it lacked that “oomph;” but this is America people and no one really cares as long as it pops – like Adam did to the collective American Idol base’s leather-chains-and-boy-on-boy-games cherry: noted.

The AMAs are like the Fox News of music award shows: a weird, skewed cross-sectional look at how the other half thinks, listens, perceives art/culture/politics/music. The difference is this other half isn’t on the greener side of the pasture, it’s the other half that sets up lawn chairs to hunt on that greener pasture. If nothing else the AMAs aimed to settle the score with the VMAs (they had Taylor: we have Taylor – via sattelite, but still; they had GaGa perform: we can do fire and booze, just no blood – that’s weird; they opened with Janet: touche, and we’ll do you one more, enter Jermajesty; they had Empire State of Mind: we can do that too plus provide security, and we’ve got Reba) – fight the good fight and win one for the gipper. So, on this isolated night that was a dim blip on a radar screen, the pseudo-Americana pop stars shined. I don’t get it, but I mean more power to you if you do. What more should I expect from a Dick – Clark – Production, though.

Alright, back to life, back to reality.